Bah humbug!! ?

Well Christmas is almost here. Tis the season to be jolly. Good will to all men (and women). Peace on earth etc etc.

Bah Humbug.

Sorry folks, just not getting into it this year really. Sure it'll be ok to see family again. Looks like I'm basically just headed back to see Mother and Sister back in my home town of Warwick. But that's all it is to me really. Aside from that everythings average to below par.

Getting back to see family is expensive, and despite now being back at work 2 days a week it's still not easy.
My computer chair is in a constant state of falling apart to the extent I've actually fallen over in it twice so far. And a new one is going to cost me a buttload.
My online gaming is going well to an extent. Afew new members of our guild are working out well and the influx of new personalities is kinda invigorating. So with luck our guild will continue to grow and improve.
I have 3 flatemates. Talking to flatemate 1 while he is mostly friendly tends to involve a lecture on (insert any topic here) as whatever flatemate 3s opinion is is currently flatemate 1s.
Flatemate 2 is friendly and obviously receptive to friendly conversation but making no overture on his own.
Flatemate 3 will actually acknowledge my existance if I shove a cattle prod up his arse but not much else.
They are currently out watching Serenity for it's final showing at our local cinemas. The movie that we all watched and raved about. The one that at their request I downloaded the complete series off (also for myself admittedly). The one that we all agree is fantastic. I made sure I noticed flatemate 2 was getting changed so asked politely "You going out?" He said "Yeah we're going to watch Serenity." I waited for afew minutes, but that was the end of the conversation. I made a point of being "around" and my best to be chipper and friendly (As I have for the past week or so) for the next half an hour or so basically in the hope that either of the other 2 would even bother to go even that far in friendly overture. The informing of a flatemate that they were going to be out. A simple "You interested in coming too?" would have been beyond my wildest dreams. Obviously.

I'm just about ready to give up and stop caring. I swear.

If it wasn't for other friends online and off I'd probably just go "fuck it" and not bother interacting with them for awhile. Shut myself in my room and simply co-habitate in the same house.

Mabye I'm just depressed due to the time of the year and how tired I am constantly these days, and over-reacting. I don't know. Hell I may just be pissed atm and regret what I'm typing in afew hours time. I don't really know I'm just ranting now.

Aside from that, works exhausting but ok. I'm not making as many mistakes as I thought I would but I am seriously noticing that it's taking me alot longer to process stuff then It should, and I am easily thrown by simple distractions. Tending to get flusterred easily.

Me! The guy who at this SELF SAME JOB used to be the guy who FIXED all the problems everyone else had is now barely able to not have the same problems.

Frustrating. But hey, it's progress.

Anyway I will probably try to update this after the Christ Mass. Hell mabye I'll even go to church christmas morning, I haven't been at all in almost a decade cept for funerals/weddings etc. I might even find it theraputic. Not that I'm religious or anything. Pretty much dedicated Agnostic. I believe there's probably something out there. But that if there is No religion on earth has really come close to it yet and that it is simply mankinds cosmic ego that makes him think that whatever may/maynot be out there actually cares if he does or not. Or if we care or not. But that aside I do enjoy the architechture. The sense of peace and at the same time quiet purpose that some of the old churches have. Especially the Roman Catholic one in Warwick. Having gone to the private school attached to it for several years That church almost feels like a 2nd home somtimes. And definately a place to just sit in quiet, and de-stress.
Provided no-ones tring to shove the religion down my throat.

Wonder if the Priest who loaned me all those David Eddings books still works there? Be kinda nice to catch up with a priest who is a fan of popular sci-fi and fantasy authors.

Anyway I'm off tomorrow morning, And will probably return the Mon or Tue following Christmas as I need to work again on Wed.

I don't want you guys to think I'm angry/upset or anything at the moment either. At the moment I can't really sustain an emotion like that for longer then 5 minutes. I seem to spend most of my time the last month or so just feeling .. well basically nothing. So when I do feel angry/upset/happy/sad, hell even aroused, I try to grab hold of the feeling with both hands and just hold onto it for awhile. Enjoy "feeling" if that makes sense.

My shrink says I'm probably suffering from some sort of disassociative depression as a result of the accident and stuff.

I told him if I am I've been suffering from it my entire life.

I've often gone through situations like this. Where I just spend a month or two not really giving a shit about anything. I'll act friendly, cheerful, cause that's what people want to see. I help people because it's my nature to be helpfull. (That's a 2-edged sword trust me.) But inside, I'm not really feeling much. Just going through the motions of life.

It's one of the reasons I started this diary. Gives me something to look back on and see if I can find a trend in my thoughts/emotions/misc crap. See if it's just me or if most of humanity just doesn't give a shit.

I've contemplated ending it afew times during my life. I imagine most people have. I wonder if the reason most people don't isn't due to fear of death, or a desire to cling to life, or simple cowardise. But due quite simply to a desire to not inflict others with the pain, grief (we flatter ourselves into thinking) and quite simply mess, of the after effects.

Food for thought huh? Or mabye not. I don't know.
Guess it's food if you want it, and if not move onto something else for desert. It's life, they keep calling it a smorgasboard. Take your pick.

Anyway signing off before I ramble another 5 pages of misc crap off here.

Merry Christmac, Happy Hunnakaha, Have an Angelic Agnostica, a Cheerfull Commercialistism. And remember if you truly truly have to kill a family member over the holidays. ... . . . . You should never trust a man who keeps pigs.

I'm still breathing.

Sorry to my avid reader base (both of you) for my lack of posting recently.

Also Apologies for the following post. I'm generally not thrilled with crap atm so I'm not shiny and happy.

Basically I've just been bloody exhausted. Between running around doing family stuff. Seeing doctors. Chasing down leaders of online guilds in real life to sit down and go "Wtf just happened and can we fix it?" over dinner. And now going back to work 2 days a week (Wednesday and Thursday). I just haven't been able to get some time to rest and recuperate. My shrink (yeah they got me seeing one now) says I'm stressed. I say "No Shit Sherlock."

Oh did I mention the psychonannys now tell me that I am likely to be permanently fixed at my current level of mental recovery. i.e. I am almost as "smart" as I ever was. My ability to concentrate for a decent span may never improve. And my processing speed is now about 1/3 to 1/4 what it was. This means that I'll probably reach the same goal/conclusion as I always did provided I can keep my mind on the topic long enough to get there. But it'll take me 2-4 seconds where it used to take me 1. Thus my reaction speed is up the creek and what would normally be almost a knee-jerk reaction is now going to probably come in 2-3 seconds to late.

Fun huh.

Not to mention I'm back in a self-destructive relationship with an exgirlfriend, turned friend, turned semi-girlfriend turned .. I don't now what.

Did I mention she's married? Yeah I'm the "other guy". I feel like crap about that but at the same time have been totally unable to break it off and stick to it. Doesn't say much for me does it.

That aside I got to see my mother and some other family the weekend just gone. Always a good thing. But it brings up the comign stress.

CHRISTMAS!!!!

Is there a more stressfull time? First you got to decide what your doing. What family your spending it with, if any. Then you have to remember who you should or shouldn't get presents for. What they like, what is probably going to be "belittling" and who you can tell to go take a flying leap. Then you need to get presents/cards etc.

Ok now your broke. . . . . . . Welcome to christmas.

But wait, there's more.
Now for our limited as many as you want offer you can also try to figure out how to get wherever your going for christmas navigating the horrors of holiday transport. When you can come back. What's an "Acceptable" stay time. And how your going to work this into everything else your doing.

Is it any wonder we all just want to get pissed and pass out by the time New Years wonders around???

To top it all off half the time you need to come up with your own present idea to tell some folks. In which case you need a) something you'll use/like and b) to figure out what THEIR budget is without seeming to greedy, or else picking something so cheap they'll feel obliged to buy you something else anyway .. which you'll probably never use.

I love the holidays. *frown*.

Sad thing is I really do. Because despite all I just wrote above Christmas is also a time to catchup with family. Renew ties that often fray over time and you never really want to vanish as they are an integral part of who you are, were you came from and (scarily) sometimes where your going. Like em, hate em, they're family and either way you probably still love em.

So Incase I don't get another post in before Christmas Here's wishing you all a happy/bittersweet/annoying/stressfull/blissfull christmas. And a catatonic New Years.

-Me.