Bah humbug!! ?
Well Christmas is almost here. Tis the season to be jolly. Good will to all men (and women). Peace on earth etc etc.
Bah Humbug.
Sorry folks, just not getting into it this year really. Sure it'll be ok to see family again. Looks like I'm basically just headed back to see Mother and Sister back in my home town of Warwick. But that's all it is to me really. Aside from that everythings average to below par.
Getting back to see family is expensive, and despite now being back at work 2 days a week it's still not easy.
My computer chair is in a constant state of falling apart to the extent I've actually fallen over in it twice so far. And a new one is going to cost me a buttload.
My online gaming is going well to an extent. Afew new members of our guild are working out well and the influx of new personalities is kinda invigorating. So with luck our guild will continue to grow and improve.
I have 3 flatemates. Talking to flatemate 1 while he is mostly friendly tends to involve a lecture on (insert any topic here) as whatever flatemate 3s opinion is is currently flatemate 1s.
Flatemate 2 is friendly and obviously receptive to friendly conversation but making no overture on his own.
Flatemate 3 will actually acknowledge my existance if I shove a cattle prod up his arse but not much else.
They are currently out watching Serenity for it's final showing at our local cinemas. The movie that we all watched and raved about. The one that at their request I downloaded the complete series off (also for myself admittedly). The one that we all agree is fantastic. I made sure I noticed flatemate 2 was getting changed so asked politely "You going out?" He said "Yeah we're going to watch Serenity." I waited for afew minutes, but that was the end of the conversation. I made a point of being "around" and my best to be chipper and friendly (As I have for the past week or so) for the next half an hour or so basically in the hope that either of the other 2 would even bother to go even that far in friendly overture. The informing of a flatemate that they were going to be out. A simple "You interested in coming too?" would have been beyond my wildest dreams. Obviously.
I'm just about ready to give up and stop caring. I swear.
If it wasn't for other friends online and off I'd probably just go "fuck it" and not bother interacting with them for awhile. Shut myself in my room and simply co-habitate in the same house.
Mabye I'm just depressed due to the time of the year and how tired I am constantly these days, and over-reacting. I don't know. Hell I may just be pissed atm and regret what I'm typing in afew hours time. I don't really know I'm just ranting now.
Aside from that, works exhausting but ok. I'm not making as many mistakes as I thought I would but I am seriously noticing that it's taking me alot longer to process stuff then It should, and I am easily thrown by simple distractions. Tending to get flusterred easily.
Me! The guy who at this SELF SAME JOB used to be the guy who FIXED all the problems everyone else had is now barely able to not have the same problems.
Frustrating. But hey, it's progress.
Anyway I will probably try to update this after the Christ Mass. Hell mabye I'll even go to church christmas morning, I haven't been at all in almost a decade cept for funerals/weddings etc. I might even find it theraputic. Not that I'm religious or anything. Pretty much dedicated Agnostic. I believe there's probably something out there. But that if there is No religion on earth has really come close to it yet and that it is simply mankinds cosmic ego that makes him think that whatever may/maynot be out there actually cares if he does or not. Or if we care or not. But that aside I do enjoy the architechture. The sense of peace and at the same time quiet purpose that some of the old churches have. Especially the Roman Catholic one in Warwick. Having gone to the private school attached to it for several years That church almost feels like a 2nd home somtimes. And definately a place to just sit in quiet, and de-stress.
Provided no-ones tring to shove the religion down my throat.
Wonder if the Priest who loaned me all those David Eddings books still works there? Be kinda nice to catch up with a priest who is a fan of popular sci-fi and fantasy authors.
Anyway I'm off tomorrow morning, And will probably return the Mon or Tue following Christmas as I need to work again on Wed.
I don't want you guys to think I'm angry/upset or anything at the moment either. At the moment I can't really sustain an emotion like that for longer then 5 minutes. I seem to spend most of my time the last month or so just feeling .. well basically nothing. So when I do feel angry/upset/happy/sad, hell even aroused, I try to grab hold of the feeling with both hands and just hold onto it for awhile. Enjoy "feeling" if that makes sense.
My shrink says I'm probably suffering from some sort of disassociative depression as a result of the accident and stuff.
I told him if I am I've been suffering from it my entire life.
I've often gone through situations like this. Where I just spend a month or two not really giving a shit about anything. I'll act friendly, cheerful, cause that's what people want to see. I help people because it's my nature to be helpfull. (That's a 2-edged sword trust me.) But inside, I'm not really feeling much. Just going through the motions of life.
It's one of the reasons I started this diary. Gives me something to look back on and see if I can find a trend in my thoughts/emotions/misc crap. See if it's just me or if most of humanity just doesn't give a shit.
I've contemplated ending it afew times during my life. I imagine most people have. I wonder if the reason most people don't isn't due to fear of death, or a desire to cling to life, or simple cowardise. But due quite simply to a desire to not inflict others with the pain, grief (we flatter ourselves into thinking) and quite simply mess, of the after effects.
Food for thought huh? Or mabye not. I don't know.
Guess it's food if you want it, and if not move onto something else for desert. It's life, they keep calling it a smorgasboard. Take your pick.
Anyway signing off before I ramble another 5 pages of misc crap off here.
Merry Christmac, Happy Hunnakaha, Have an Angelic Agnostica, a Cheerfull Commercialistism. And remember if you truly truly have to kill a family member over the holidays. ... . . . . You should never trust a man who keeps pigs.
Bah Humbug.
Sorry folks, just not getting into it this year really. Sure it'll be ok to see family again. Looks like I'm basically just headed back to see Mother and Sister back in my home town of Warwick. But that's all it is to me really. Aside from that everythings average to below par.
Getting back to see family is expensive, and despite now being back at work 2 days a week it's still not easy.
My computer chair is in a constant state of falling apart to the extent I've actually fallen over in it twice so far. And a new one is going to cost me a buttload.
My online gaming is going well to an extent. Afew new members of our guild are working out well and the influx of new personalities is kinda invigorating. So with luck our guild will continue to grow and improve.
I have 3 flatemates. Talking to flatemate 1 while he is mostly friendly tends to involve a lecture on (insert any topic here) as whatever flatemate 3s opinion is is currently flatemate 1s.
Flatemate 2 is friendly and obviously receptive to friendly conversation but making no overture on his own.
Flatemate 3 will actually acknowledge my existance if I shove a cattle prod up his arse but not much else.
They are currently out watching Serenity for it's final showing at our local cinemas. The movie that we all watched and raved about. The one that at their request I downloaded the complete series off (also for myself admittedly). The one that we all agree is fantastic. I made sure I noticed flatemate 2 was getting changed so asked politely "You going out?" He said "Yeah we're going to watch Serenity." I waited for afew minutes, but that was the end of the conversation. I made a point of being "around" and my best to be chipper and friendly (As I have for the past week or so) for the next half an hour or so basically in the hope that either of the other 2 would even bother to go even that far in friendly overture. The informing of a flatemate that they were going to be out. A simple "You interested in coming too?" would have been beyond my wildest dreams. Obviously.
I'm just about ready to give up and stop caring. I swear.
If it wasn't for other friends online and off I'd probably just go "fuck it" and not bother interacting with them for awhile. Shut myself in my room and simply co-habitate in the same house.
Mabye I'm just depressed due to the time of the year and how tired I am constantly these days, and over-reacting. I don't know. Hell I may just be pissed atm and regret what I'm typing in afew hours time. I don't really know I'm just ranting now.
Aside from that, works exhausting but ok. I'm not making as many mistakes as I thought I would but I am seriously noticing that it's taking me alot longer to process stuff then It should, and I am easily thrown by simple distractions. Tending to get flusterred easily.
Me! The guy who at this SELF SAME JOB used to be the guy who FIXED all the problems everyone else had is now barely able to not have the same problems.
Frustrating. But hey, it's progress.
Anyway I will probably try to update this after the Christ Mass. Hell mabye I'll even go to church christmas morning, I haven't been at all in almost a decade cept for funerals/weddings etc. I might even find it theraputic. Not that I'm religious or anything. Pretty much dedicated Agnostic. I believe there's probably something out there. But that if there is No religion on earth has really come close to it yet and that it is simply mankinds cosmic ego that makes him think that whatever may/maynot be out there actually cares if he does or not. Or if we care or not. But that aside I do enjoy the architechture. The sense of peace and at the same time quiet purpose that some of the old churches have. Especially the Roman Catholic one in Warwick. Having gone to the private school attached to it for several years That church almost feels like a 2nd home somtimes. And definately a place to just sit in quiet, and de-stress.
Provided no-ones tring to shove the religion down my throat.
Wonder if the Priest who loaned me all those David Eddings books still works there? Be kinda nice to catch up with a priest who is a fan of popular sci-fi and fantasy authors.
Anyway I'm off tomorrow morning, And will probably return the Mon or Tue following Christmas as I need to work again on Wed.
I don't want you guys to think I'm angry/upset or anything at the moment either. At the moment I can't really sustain an emotion like that for longer then 5 minutes. I seem to spend most of my time the last month or so just feeling .. well basically nothing. So when I do feel angry/upset/happy/sad, hell even aroused, I try to grab hold of the feeling with both hands and just hold onto it for awhile. Enjoy "feeling" if that makes sense.
My shrink says I'm probably suffering from some sort of disassociative depression as a result of the accident and stuff.
I told him if I am I've been suffering from it my entire life.
I've often gone through situations like this. Where I just spend a month or two not really giving a shit about anything. I'll act friendly, cheerful, cause that's what people want to see. I help people because it's my nature to be helpfull. (That's a 2-edged sword trust me.) But inside, I'm not really feeling much. Just going through the motions of life.
It's one of the reasons I started this diary. Gives me something to look back on and see if I can find a trend in my thoughts/emotions/misc crap. See if it's just me or if most of humanity just doesn't give a shit.
I've contemplated ending it afew times during my life. I imagine most people have. I wonder if the reason most people don't isn't due to fear of death, or a desire to cling to life, or simple cowardise. But due quite simply to a desire to not inflict others with the pain, grief (we flatter ourselves into thinking) and quite simply mess, of the after effects.
Food for thought huh? Or mabye not. I don't know.
Guess it's food if you want it, and if not move onto something else for desert. It's life, they keep calling it a smorgasboard. Take your pick.
Anyway signing off before I ramble another 5 pages of misc crap off here.
Merry Christmac, Happy Hunnakaha, Have an Angelic Agnostica, a Cheerfull Commercialistism. And remember if you truly truly have to kill a family member over the holidays. ... . . . . You should never trust a man who keeps pigs.
posted by Adept at 9:22 pm
3 Comments:
While holidays are great excuses to visit relatives, it tends to be one of the bigger causes of panic, stress and anxiety to many people. Finding the time everyone is available, plotting the method of going (or planning for the visitors to be at your place, sorting costs and figuring out what to take and how long to stay.
I plan on visiting my brother and his family this coming Monday, he only lives a couple hours away, unlike the majority of my family that live more like a 24hr drive away.
Plus all the modes of transportation take advantage of holiday travelers and have higher than normal fares. Sometimes I can see why many people get very frustrated at terminals and stations around the country.
Hopefully your trip there and back are uneventful and relaxing.
I wonder if my guesses at the identities of the flatmate numbers would be right on target, I automatically saw names to go with the numbers in my head. For example, my guesses would be #1 Songflower, #2 Silphius and #3 Thrug....
And with any flatmates, roommates etc you need to be a bit more obvious in getting invites to things like movies. I have noticed that guys in general, and roommates in specific, nearly need a ton of bricks dropped on their heads at some point to get them to notice some things or get some ideas through to them. I doubt they were intentionally ignoring you, but they had their minds on their own plans and thinking outside them would require some reasonable amount of effort.
Plus, oh troubled one, you do have a part time Girlfriend again right? It would be even more likely to assume that you could be seeing her before your trip home and therefor busy. I doubt they are informed of every detail of your relationship, other than you have one or at least did according to the last blog entry.
I still think that there has to be someone out there better for you than she is but that is a personal bias on my part. I could never trust someone that cheated on their partner, they tend to cheat on their new partner eventually as well.
Now for the emotional thing. It really is a fairly common thing when stress hits or depressions. Needing strong feelings to actually feel something happens whenever someone is having long bout of stress or depression. It is very hard to feel when so tired of it all.
As for ending it all, I agree it's not the fear of death or cowardice, it is what it would do to the people that love, care or depend on you. It's thinking about what they will go through and have to deal with and the guilt feelings that happen to those around you that felt that they should have seen the signs and done something to stop it.
One of my friends in high school came home to find that his mother committed suicide and left a note saying she just couldn't handle the divorce and the stress and the hassles of raising two teens alone. Both my friend and his sister needed therapy for a few years dealing with that event. I also believe that it changed them both forever and not in a good way. Suicide is a coward's way out of dealing with what life has thrown at that person.
I have begun to feel that everything happens for a reason, even the most painful and stressful things. Right now I cannot see the reasoning for your accident and how it will help you grow or change for the better, but someday it will appear. It has taken years for me to see the lessons or changes caused by some events in my life, but I have always found a positive somewhere in them.
Ok 3 comments on your long entry tends to mean I am rambling myself.
I hope your holidays at home end up quite peaceful and help you relax a bit.
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